Too much heaven on their minds

England is a nice place, generally. It took me a while to realise it, but I was helped to appreciate it when I came back to live here with my wife, who’d been reasonably active in the Thai democracy movement so had experienced being chased by men with M16s, friends “disappearing” and millitary dictatorship.

We tend not to do that here. Having been built up our culture over centuries by absorbing waves of immigration and different cultures, we tend towards tolerance (or, perhaps more cynically, we just hate each other in a quiet, law-abiding way). We mind our own business, which can mean that people die in their houses and nobody notices, but it also means that we don’t much care what God you pray to, as long as it stays your business. And that’s how most of us, muslim, secular, hindus, jews, whatever get along just fine.

So it’s particularly baffling that our recent terrorists have been home-grown extremist “muslims”. (I use quotes, as their brand of Islam has very little in common with that practiced by my muslim colleagues, friends and neighbours).

These guys obviously are pretty grumpy with the majority way of life in the U.K., so I’d like to suggest a way to live as they want to, without the tiresome necessity of blowing up themselves and everyone around them.

I propose that the government give them every assistance to relocate to places where liberalism, democracy and secularism are illegal, and religious zealots rule.

Take Iran, for example. There’s no nicer way for a would-be plane bomber to relax after a hard week’s plotting, than by enjoying the public hanging from a crane of a sixteen year-old mentally-disturbed girl like Atefah Sahaaleh, for “crimes against chastity” (that is, having the temerity to be repeatedly raped by a 51-year-old revolutionary guard).

Or Saudi Arabia: a fine place for a trainee terrorist to get spiritual sustenance by watching police force schoolgirls back into a burning school to their deaths, because they hadn’t put on their headscarves before trying to escape?

Or there’s that idyllic oasis of piety, Pakistan, where an ex-pat British wannabe mass-murderer can help administer religious justice by gang-raping women like Mukhtar Mai, “punished” because her 12 year old brother was seen walking with a girl from a different group.

All of these acts are completely abhorrent to 99.99% of muslims, but they illustrate the barbarity of people with too much heaven on their minds. We could equally cite the Catholic Inquisition of a couple of centuries ago, or the outlawed Hindu practice of burning widows alive. All horrible.

A modest proposal

So, let’s go further, as it’s not just extremist “muslims” who cause the trouble. There are jews who believe that killing Lebanese muslims is a religious duty. There are christians who murder abortion doctors or gay people. There are hindus who persecute muslims and christians.

Let’s get everyone, of whatever flavour of God-bothering, who believes that their religion requires them to kill, and send them to somewhere empty where sane people don’t want to go (I’m thinking of Antarctica, the Aussie Outback, nuclear test grounds, or Swindon). They can all slaughter each other to their hearts’ content, without disturbing the rest of us.

They would be more than happy, as even if they get murdered by a bigger, badder loony, they get to meet their Invisible Friends in the Sky. Meanwhile, the rest of us can continue to co-exist sensibly and peacefully, worshipping privately and getting on with our lives.

It’s a win-win situation.

Your thoughts?

13 Responses to “ Too much heaven on their minds ”

Comment by Lloydi

I know you threw the Swindon thing in there just for me, Lawson! Thanks for that. I look forward to meeting the new ‘neighbours’ then!

Comment by JackP

Right on, guru Bruce. I presume you will soon be publishing your path to enlightenment?

However, I’m also intrigued to note that MP Ruth Kelly, associate of the ultra-conservative Catholic sect Opus Dei is apparently to appeal to UK muslims to fight against religious extremism (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/4789617.stm). Is it only extremism when it’s someone else’s religion?

Comment by sidney

“So it’s particularly baffling that our recent terrorists have been home-grown extremist “muslims”. (I use quotes, as their brand of Islam has very little in common with that practiced by my muslim colleagues, friends and neighbours).”

Maybe you don’t have any wahibist colleagues, friends, or neighbours? Or maybe you don’t realise that you do, if you do?

Not all muslims are terrorists but it sure seems most of the terrrorists we’re seeing these days are muslim, and the ‘muslim community’ is either blind or disinterested in rooting them out.

HTH.

Comment by sidney

Godwin? Too right.

They’re avowed Islamists who would like to see a pan-gobal islamic caliphate, if you take them at their own word. Islamic Terrorism is a simple fact – trace the money from the madrassas in Pakistan back to source if you have trouble believing this.

I bet they don’t even believe in accessibility.

Comment by Stevie C

All in all, I think the idea is sound. However once Bush and Blair stand down, couldn’t we create a country for them to run, around erm let’s say near North Korea , Russia and China then send all the nutters there. Blair did say he had one big job left in him,and what a job it would be. What better than buddying him up with his faith based mate and letting them proving to us how wrong we were.
Rather than a war on terror lets just condense the problem into
one country. We can then try them in the Hague and have somewhere to send all the lovely dictators,terroists and religious political fanatics. Not only that but they could prove to us all how easy it is to live, without a nuclear deterrent protecting them and no oil to sell to the rest of the world after all its not about oil at all is it.
Instead of international football matches and World Cups they could stage international internal crusades.
Let the road to qualify for the world’s first staged jihad begin. We could put them into groups!! However only being able to send them there once every 4 years would be a downer.
I suggest we let them host all the qualifing matches as well.
I think Africa, Asia and the middle East could do with a well earned rest. The country must be mountainous deserted drop below -40 and go above 4O.
Oh and Mongolia should be given lots of patriots, so the borders can be locked off. Anyone can go in but they can only televise out.
Bush and Blair the compares what a team

Comment by Sidney

“All of these acts are completely abhorrent to 99.99% of muslims”

Really? Done a survey? Or even seen one? Me neither.

For what it’s worth, equating born-again christian nutjobs who pick off the odd abortionist with the global jihad is terribly intellecutally lazy. It’s this kind of denial and laziness that guarantees the jihad is going to get a hell of a lot worse before, or if, it ever gets bettter.

Comment by Ramp

“””We could equally cite the Catholic Inquisition of a couple of centuries ago,…”
As you say, that dates back centuries ago(1300-1800 AD). A bit more than simply two…
Some religions are still interpreted in a very primeval way and those who have too much heaven on their mind are really way behind times…

I also noticed in their schools they tend more in learning things by heart instead of learning using the logic thus developing intelligence.

It is a pity, but as you said, 99% of muslims are different…