New “Tits ‘n’ sport” laptop … just for men!

Here at Lawson Industries, we were excited to read the announcement by Fujitsu of their “Floral Kiss” brand of PCs for Women, with gold trim, a flip latch that can “easily open the display—even by users with long fingernails”, a power button “adorned with a pearl-like accent”, and outtake and intake vents “featuring a floral motif design”. Perfect for Jane Austen and other pre-Victorian ladies to write their delicate little novels.

Over the past 6 months, we’ve been working hard on a special “Tits ‘n’ sport” laptop, just for men.

The flip latch is easily opened, even by big hulking hairy chaps like TV extras from On The Buses, or Real Blokes with 6 pints of Stella inside them. The keyboard has been reduced to three buttons – “Tits”, which immediately connects to porn websites, “Sport”, which connects to sports websites and “I’m Free”, because our close examination of 1970s episodes of “Are You Being Served” shows that some slightly suspect men are effete and say that a lot.

Like the Fujitsu ladies’ laptop, which comes in Elegant White, Feminine Pink and Luxury Brown, this new masculine computer comes in Bell-End Purple, Skidmark Brown and Can’t-Separate-Colours-Before-Using-a-Washing-Machine Grey.

We’ll also be releasing a laptop for black people (the “Our Colonial Friends” edition) with enhanced sub-woofers on the speakers because those customers have natural rhythm.

5 Responses to “ New “Tits ‘n’ sport” laptop … just for men! ”

Comment by Brian McAllister

You forgot to mention the always at-hand Kleenex dispenser in lieu of CD slot…

Comment by Anders

Will there be a deluxe edition featuring squeezable breasts on the back of the screen? As a man, I feel uncomfortable touching anything as flat as the back of a typical laptop screen.

Also, where do I put my beer? Will it feature a beer cup holder that’s less flimsy than the ones usually featured on my laptops (what’s the deal with labeling those “cdrom” anyway? Is that Asian for beer holder or something?)?

Comment by Aaron Bassett

Just another product to make me feel like Pinocchio (not a real boy) just because I don’t like sports. Will the “Tits ‘n’ sport” laptop be hackable? Can I reprogram the keyboard to be “Tits ‘n’ Music” or “Tits ‘n’ TV”?

Comment by Davin

Three buttons may work well for European blokes, but the American version better have just one. And it should be shaped like a fist so I know where to punch.