SxSW First Timer’s Guide
The South By South West conference has published its First Timer’s Guide with such nuggets as advising readers to drink water and “Be sure you know the name of your hotel”. In my customary mode of unceasing public service, I offer some more tips:
- Wipe your bottom after every poo. Wipe from front to back.
- Do not put a sharpened pencil into your ear, then smack the side of your head against a wall. This may drive the pencil through your Eustachian tube and into your brain.
- If any panellist mentions Postel’s law, Fitt’s law or Moore’s law, loudly applaud their effortless erudition. However, if a food retail operative mentions “Cole’s Law”, they are referring to salad consisting primarily of shredded raw cabbage.
- If a tiger escapes from Austin Zoo and, maddened with fear and hunger, races into a conference session that you’re attending, don’t embarrass yourself by falling victim to the tiger-petting anti-pattern.
- If a stranger asks you if (s)he can see your genitals, say “no” in a friendly but firm voice. (Video tutorial)
- Even though this is your first time, tell everyone you meet that “it was much better back in ’07″. Everyone will love you.
Happy Southby!
(It was much better in ’02 when I was hanging with Cory Doctorwho and David Byrne at the Jackalope. Of course, nobody went to the Jackalope, then.)
10 Responses to “ SxSW First Timer’s Guide ”
“Do not put balls in vise”
“Do not use wasabi as contact lens”
“Do not attempt to breathe the muesli”
(I’ve been drinking)
Doh, yes, I mean vice. Being in the US is having a bad effect on me.
Your accusation of sexism is based on incorrect assumptions. The advice is simply “Do not put balls in vice”, I make no assertions on ball ownership.
Putting one’s balls in a vice is certainly one of the situations I’m advising against, but the rule equally covers putting another party’s balls in a vice. We all have access to balls, consensually or otherwise.
You were actually hanging out with Chris Mills and I at the Jackalope, but after a few jugs, it is hard to tell the difference.
Far too fast…you need to break your suggestions down into more detail.
You are a wise man sir!