I hate Christmas music
Now, I freely confess that I am a 100% bah-humbugger when it comes to Christmas, but xmas music still drives me wild with fury.
Confusingly, from an atheist who would rather get testicular leprosy than religion, the least offensive Christmas music that can be broadcast at you when you’re walking around the supermarket is traditional Christmas carols sung by proper choirs. This is relatively easy to blank out, being tuneful, quite gentle and thus eminently ignorable.
No, the xmas music that really raises my blood pressure the modern popular xmas genre. For one, it’s fabulously cynical; we can assume that the writers of Victorian carols at least believed what they were writing and genuinely wished goodwill to all mankind (except the females, colonials and workers, of course), but I can’t believe that Bruce Springsteen *really* felt much when he made his repulsive cover of "Santa Claus is coming to town".
Secondly, pop xmas stuff is too damn loud. I read somewhere that Slade’s contribution to this sorry genre was recorded during the summer. Noddy Holder’s fade out "IT’S CHRISTMAS" squawk is a fantastic impersonation of a pissed-up overly-sentimental Brummie on Xmas eve (and trust me, I’ve absolutely nothing against pissed-up Brummies), but it is an aural assault when tannoyed at me while I’m trying to get parsnips for Sunday lunch.
The very very worst example of the modern Xmas song is Lennon’s "Merry Xmas (War is Over)". This is a crime against humanity for several reasons:
- War isn’t over, is it? The twat. You can imagine the people in Iraq or Palestine slapping their foreheads and saying, "Why didn’t we realise. War is over, if we want it. Doh!". So the fact that they’re being bombed, murdered and starved is entirely their own fault, as they insufficiently wish for peace. Thanks for the lesson in geopolitics, Mr Lennon.
- The sound of a multi-millionaire pop singer asking the listener "So this is Xmas/ and what have you done?" is pretty galling when all he‘d done to fight warfare and oppression was get pissed with his mates and sit in bed with his wife. And send some fucking acorns to politicians. Not a Gandhi salt march, is it John?
- It’s a horrible tune and Yoko’s glass-shattering "harmonies" at the chorus had me cowering behind the display of Xmas puddings in Tescos, genuinely fearing being cut to ribbons by shards of glass if the shopfront gave way during a high note.
- The lyrics are doggerel. "So this is Xmas/ and what have you done?/ Another year over/ and a new one just begun". Childish rhymes, bad scansion.
The woman who sold me my cheese at the deli counter told me she was dreading next Saturday when "They turn on the Xmas music". I’m not surprised: when the U.S. played horrid music to Iraqi prisoners to break their will, Amnesty International were seriously concerned. They should visit Birmingham supermarkets. With earplugs.
(This post was written for the grumpy old people blog.)
AMEN!!! I want to hear christmas music from December 24th all the way up to 11:59pm December 25th. Otherwise I DON’T WANT TO EVEN HEAR THE FAINTEST SOUND OF A CHRISTMAS SONG!!!!!
November 22nd, 2005 at 3:30 pm
i have to admit i am acold hearted person but only in a joking sense but i am serious when i say i hate xmas, all the family an realatives get together for one day and carry on with crap how wonderfull it is to see each other, drink too much eat too much, and play those bloody irratating xmas carrols, am happy to say i am getting out of xmas this yr has i am being allowed to pull a double shift at work, in close would just like to say STUFF XMAS
pizza
December 11th, 2005 at 1:38 pm
aww…
I’m a sucker for christmas music…all of it…I listen to it from december 26th, all through the year. It makes me happy. 
Sure there are some of the newer crap pop christmas songs, but other than that, I’m game. I guess when some people smoke pot, I listen to xmas music. BTW I was here looking at your page on Jacobean Plays. Thanks!
October 25th, 2006 at 5:12 am
OMG if my familyplays another F****** christmas song i swear ill find a shotgun and kill myslef i hate christmas songs
December 12th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
I hate everything about Christmas
I don’t like having a tacky plastic tree with a bunch of shit hanging off of it in the middle of my living room
And the real ones give me allergies and a headache
And what a shame to cut down a beautiful thriving tree for a month of life in your house
I hate red and green striped things
I hate pretending like I like my stupid ugly gifts
I hate everything about Christmas
If I didn’t have children
I wouldn’t even fucking celebrate it
I hate Christmas music
You know what the worst Christmas song is
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Ick
December 13th, 2006 at 3:42 am
I absolutely agree with the rants against shitty christmas music, i loathe the pointless happy clappy jingly shit, if i met noddy holder i just might have to kick him in the bollocks and scream CHRISTMAS IS SHIT in his stupid happy face!!!!
I’ve tried to get into this year i really have, walking endlessly round shops filled with tacky crap no one needs, ending up buying awful presents for people i don’t really like because i feel obliged to. I’m sick of being looked at like I’ve got 2 heads when I tell people I’m not a christmas person, we are all being taken for a capitalist ride they force us to spend and pretend we are happy to be spending on their crap!!!!!!!!!
As an end note if you hear about someone who has snapped mentally and has gone on a psychotic rampage in Woolworths it is probably me being confronted with another singing santa and his humourous swinging hips!!
December 16th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
Thanks for a good laugh. You have no idea how much I needed it. Otoh, considering that you wrote the column, perhaps you do.(wry grin)
December 17th, 2006 at 10:20 am
I hate christmas cause it starts to early and its all thanks to the shops. The shops want to start in god damn October here in iceland.. not only the shops start advertising 3months before christmas the fucking radio channels begin playing those god damn commercial christmas songs in november! Why cant people make some new christmas songs. I work in a store and i am bombarded by endless covers by the same 5 christmas songs i want to slap my girlfriend when i pick her up after work when she turns on the radio and starts listening to the very same songs i had to tollerate for 10hours in that god forsaken store!
I would like christmas if it would last for 2days from 24-26 and if the radio would only play christmas songs on those two days !
December 17th, 2006 at 5:08 pm
I hate f-ing christmas with a passion……..
December 20th, 2006 at 7:52 pm
So I had to migrate to another country to escape the family christmas crap most people are subjected to such as having to spend the week from hell pretending to be enjoying the company of people one has been avoiding all fucking year (possibly because they get on one’s tits within 3 microseconds of seeing them)and yet when I proudly announce that mine is a xmas free household and that I will just enjoy the few days off work by doing as little as possible and by avoiding people and children in particular the “ohh but it’s xmas” starts and next thing I know (because they think that really I am looking for sympathy and companionship over the festive period) all these people end up inviting themselves over to mine (where I have to entertain them!), they help themselves to food and drinks I had bought for MYSELF ONLY!!! ME NOT THEM!!!! and also expect me to be grateful they “saved my xmas”!!!
NO!!! WRONG!!!They are the ones with a problem not me!!! Fuck off and leave me alone i do not want the stupid hat and stupid songs and your drunken stories…I WANT TO BE ALONE AND XMAS TWATS FREE!! I guess I could just put them all in a Saynsbury’s trolley and push them down the hill towards the river…there always plenty of drunken (lucky) accidents at xmas!!!!
December 21st, 2006 at 8:08 pm
I hate christmas - I call it crisis mess! I have released a free single on myspace at http://www.myspace.com/40976166
you can download it for free!
December 21st, 2006 at 11:48 pm
what about the Wizard song? who wishes it could be Christmas every day? those opening bars of Slade turn me into Edvard Munch’s screaming head.then people put on stupid hats and pretend to be jolly-give me a break!
December 22nd, 2006 at 8:25 pm
I was with you until you use the word, “twat”. Are you too young or out of it to know the meaning of the word. Is your site for white male whiney college students?
Sorry to point out the obvious. Christmas is about Christ’s Birthday. Scrooges — turn off your radio and stay out of the malls. Go celebrate something else.
December 24th, 2006 at 11:51 pm
Juno, Christmas as we know it was originally created as a bastardisation and conglomeration of numerous pagan winter festivals brought together by the early catholic church in their pursuit of control of the masses…
Nothing to do with the birth of a man two millenia ago…
December 25th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
Too right that man! :O)
Xmas songs that get repeated every year just make me want to visit Heart FM etc. and shove the CD’s up the DJ’s jacksies.
These tracks are especially galling for me:-
1) Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
2) Slade’s “Merry Christmas Everybody”
3) Wings “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time”
4) Wizzard’s “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday”
5) ANYTHING by that tosser Cliff Richard
- and the one you already mentioned, that drivel by John Lennon.
Bah HUMBUG indeed!
December 25th, 2006 at 1:08 pm
Don’t forget Shakin’ Stevens. . . “Merry Christmas Everyone!”.
December 26th, 2006 at 8:34 pm
Everybody you love christmas other wise you would
not talk about it.
Love Santa..xxxxx
December 27th, 2006 at 8:08 am
(Hey Kevin - they still talk about the Black Death)
If you have seen through the naive and/or cynical social engineering that is known as Christmas then may I suggest something…
DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS
Try it my way before you knock it.
You will find it doesn’t hurt to ignore Christmas. Tell your friends!
Soon it will be nothing more than what it should be.
Just think - no more shite Christmas songs!
December 30th, 2006 at 12:03 am
There are certain relatives I’d rather not hear from at Christmas, because they ruined so many of the past Christmas holidays, so if I do hear from them this year, I have a wordpad document on my computer, in the largest, boldest all-caps lettering which says:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
CHRISTMAS WISHES FROM JEFF!
The characters in get the fuck out of here are in alternating red and green, and I will print this message in landscape format and send it to anyone I don’t want to hear from.
September 22nd, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I just happen to be one of the unlucky suckers that works in a big box store this time of year. Over the past three years or so, I’ve noticed that Christmas keeps slowly creeping up on the last day of summer. What the hell happened to Fall? I thought for a while that I was alone when I developed a bad attitude about the Christmas season. Does anyone in those corporate meetings listen to Chrismas carols for three months of the year? Perhaps they should be listening to it in their offices all year round, then they can really be stoked for the the big commercial cash grab. Or perhaps it could be called something new like Cashmass, or Corpmass. Oh yeah what the hell day of the year is Christmas on anyhow? And is it called boxing day,week, or is it now going to be another month of the year so it can suck in New Years Day as well. Humbug
November 3rd, 2007 at 7:17 am
i fkn hate xmas too but this year im lucky as all the family are going to scotland to visit reletives and i got the house to myself so i can do as i want.i too also work for a large store. a..a i wish i could save all my holiday up and have the whole xmas off,how can they say “ooh you cant be off over xmas”isay bollocks,cos thats when i want my holiday entitlement.does anyone know if they can do this please let me know.fk xmas…
November 22nd, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Living in the Middle East in an Islamic country one would think that xmas and all the nonsense that goes with it would not be in your face, but unfortunately that’s not the case …
Mall music is easily avoidable by just tuning the Ipod louder (never mind the numbness in one’s ears afterwards…)
However avoiding exposure of jingle bells at work is much more difficult as lovely ex - prat fellows of mine are making sure that no one can escape the annual season of merry misery by hiking up their beloved xmas Carol cds from 8 am til dusk…
This accompanied by annual singalong xmas carol sessions, secret santas, desk decoration competitions and compulsory xmas corporate do’s is really making certain that we all feel like we are home away from home.
Thank you so f…g much… Any more xmas emails and I will be looking into relocating to Mars.
All I want for xmas is — for it to be over asap!
December 5th, 2007 at 12:09 am
HA, yet again i will try sticking to a household free xmas. that said I do want to enjoy the days off work. The fact that I refuse to decorate every single corner of every single room with tons of silver gold green blu and red plastic does not mean that I am refusing to be off work…yet that was not the case last year when I ended up working 23rd/24th and 25th last being the busiest day 99am to 1am following day!!! oh almost forgot NYE as well…how sad to be in the house with crappy telly, but really bad ’cause they don’t bother with good programs as they assume majority of people out celebrating!! AAARRRGH…anyway last year i swore not to repeat same mistake again (ie not taking laptop home, “sccidentally dropping mobile in the toilet/bathtub, shredder, under a truck..) yet before i know it it has hapened again!!! and this time the office will close for almost 3 weeks!!!21-6th and I am the only one that REALLY has to work!!!! NOOOOOOO again do loath Xmas, the fake love everyone seems to develop overnight, the pretense that they are all about giving and being nice and forgiving…so basically they yet again tell you that they are nice people implying at the same time that because one does not celebrate xmas that person is not really nice and virtuous -LIKE THEM! being the main point they try to get across ..every 5 mins. So I considered trying just to get them off my back and stopping them from coming to me every 5 mins going on about the xams spirit and all that (the only one I am familiar with being Vodka HA!), well at least I tried pretending to be all happy and cheerful and trepidant to see the Elf and Santa in the grottos in every sqare, carpark, field, Xmas market in greater london. I tried refraining myself from pointing out that even though the location was different it was the same(exsctly the same) stall run by the same people that would move around to all this locations because that is what they do!!! Surprisingly enough I kind of managed all this rather well (at least for me given my usual less than a nanosecond kind of patience) but i failed miserably, too big a hurdle for little already almost broken me presented itself on my path of becoming a really good actress or liar whichever..The girls in the office took it upon themselves to buy xmas tree decorations and plaster the office with those! NOOOOOO that was too much. being the office a open office I do not have a door to hide the shameful sight behind. I tried moving some filing cabinets to create a sort of trench but they are huge and full and would have taken me until next year to empty them and fill them up again, so I grouped all the plants in the office and line them up in front of my desk. So long as I sit down with the chair at lowest setting..really difficoult to type and looking real silly at least i could get on with my work without gagging at the site of the badly hanged £1.50 decorations. then one morning got to my desk and with horror which quickly subsided to give way to desperaton and suicidal thoughts in turn quickly replaced by the thought of”is it possible to torture someone for a wee bit with their cheap xmas decorations?” all because those evil evil accounts girls had put stuff on the plants I was using as shields but not only that, they had done it really really badly (same as the rest of the office mind you)yet funnily enough one of the plants especially like the exact visual rapresentation of how I see and percieve Xmas to be it also had something reminiscent of something out of the addams family house just in colour rather than black and white(which i think made it look worst!!!) the tree is a kind of palm thing so tall ans skinny with relatively few oblongate leaves. Naturally is not the “happiest” looking plant ever..but they had put this red thin and already scruffy almost naked / hairlesstinsle thing (so cheap it had already lost most of the “fluffy” things) and they had put this sad monstruosity to run the hight of the plant, not wrapped around the anorexic trunk of the poor plant, just habging from the top of the now sadder looking plant to fall straight (ish) down towards the floor, hanging like a rope off a window to that they had added some plastic gold pearls and bells chain thing which ran horizontally to the red tinsle, yet again not wrapped around plant just barely straight yet horizontal(as sustained by 2 leaves) like my grandmother 30+ years old linen line in the garden. Really sad yet so ironically spot on as a visualization of what i think xmas has become. all these people dressing up with bags and bags of presents drinking lots to forget at which long lost (for a reason!) relative they are at and whose house they unwillingly will need to go to next. To that (alcohol) usually follows a fight or argument of some sort that is unlikely to be resolved there and then or within that year and instead the grudge added to the baggage of “things such and such said or did” which will be put away and taken out again the next xmas….mind you the moaning and wingin and bitching does casrry on for the whole year. Why oh WHY!!! it is so nice to be in London at Xmas few people around it is the time of the year when you can actually take notice of how beautiful a city it is. As one does not have to stare at the pavement to avoid dog poos chewing gums, the odd beggar and the ankle and shiin killers (trolley luggages) for this once you can walk around and look up at the buildings, you can see roads and alleys their shape and character, also the people that you will meet are possibly those that like you are out there enjoying the city with the same spirit and sense of peace and tranquillity that ironically Xmas should rapresent yet of which it has become the absolute opposite. Stress, business running around, tension, greed disrispect for things people and anything that gets in yhe way of the supersmarket or shopping centre. The road rage escalates so quickly I only the other day experienced for the first time ever “PEDESTRIAN RAGE” as a man had a go at a middle aged lady for not launching herself in the middle of the road as soon as the traffic light turn amber for the cars..funnily enough he was fat enough not to be able to walk that fast and the old lady actually “overtook” him within 2 minutes!!HA HA What I am saying is that maybe we would not dislike and be so averse to Xmas if it was a time when everyone would makes a point of slowing down , take a deep breath and stop worrying about presents instead realize that the best xmas is the one with the nice mellow feel to it, spent with people that you want to spend it with without pressure and without having to live to other’s expectations. When parents will understand that to the child the Super toy does not matter much cause if they had to choose btween the toy or having parents or immediate family around instead the child would choose family.I know, i was there, i had no choice though. And Personally if i cannot get these things (and unfortunately I cant do the close family only thing (or the family thing for that matter!) I rather stay at home warm and cozy with nice b’fast lots opf tea, and few good boxsets..so long as for once I do not have to check the time every 5 mins because I need to be somewhere at that time, dressed in that way, pretending this and that. Nothing better than NOT HAVING to do ANYTHING unless you choose to and even then you can easily and with no worries and explanations change your mmind at the last minute! So I do like Xmas but the one done “my way”!
December 13th, 2007 at 7:20 am
Christmas is a joke. If you celebrate it you too are a joke. It would have some credability if it where ‘Celebrate Children Day’, I could deal with that. But it’s not. In 2007, in this western world of plastic useless shit. Here we are again. The world is not worth saving. This is what we have done with our chance. Press the button. Exterminate us. We really are not worthy.
December 22nd, 2007 at 7:44 pm
It puts a financial hardship on people who don’t have the money for gifts.
December 23rd, 2007 at 2:39 am
I have parodied Cliff Richard’s dreadful dirge:
Depression and Grime
(A Parody Inspired by Mistletoe and Wine by Cliff Richard)
The turkey is burnt, and nobody’s learnt
That the whole malarkey is nothing but twaddle
Uncle Bert’s put his new socks in the bin
And Grandma’s on her third bottle of gin
Christmas time
Depression and grime
People arguing all the time
The Samaritans without a moment to spare
Time to get drunk to forget our despair
Your Granddad is arguing the toss with your mother
Your husband refuses to speak to your brother
The in-laws storm out, because the food is so dire
And the cat’s burnt his paw in the blazing log fire
Christmas time
It should be a crime
There’s nothing more twee than a pantomime
With debts on your store cards and fat round your waist
There’s absolutely no accounting for taste
Little Johnny wants to watch a repeat of Kojak
You don’t let him so he swallows a whole pack of Prozac
Young Sally won’t stop singing although she’s tone-deaf
And your mother’s thrown up over Great Uncle Geoff
Christmas is shit
It makes you fat and unfit
You get groped by some random drunken git
Auntie Rosemary’s dentures have fallen into the prawns
And you’re too broke to buy back that necklace you pawned
Christmas farce
Stick it up your arse
This and every year I will pass
Don’t be offended if I sound smug
I may be a Scrooge but it’s you who’s a mug
December 24th, 2007 at 10:19 pm