Recently I’ve been getting spam phone calls. When I have a microphone handy, I record the calls.
- Deaf Bob’s sing-song – Bob, who’s a bit deaf, calls me to ask some questions about my gas and electric city. I ask him some questions, realise he’s a bit depressed because of his deafness, so we have a sing-song to cheer him up.
- My finest spam call ever: Spam call: John sings about life insurance – John calls me. I try to get him to meet me in my London hotel for a meal and some sex. We discuss Bangalore terrorism, spacehoppers, whether my house is red, and all he wants to do is start his survey. I persuade him to sing me some questions (April 2012)
- Infected Malaysian gerbils – a call from “Windows Technical Support” telling me that my computer is slow because of malware. If you stick around they get you to download their software and pay money to activate it. (Jan 2012)
- Kill my wife with frozen vegetables – inspired by Hitchcock’s “Strangers on a Train”, I promise to sign up to a debt reduction programme if the caller will kill my ex-wife with frozen vegetables. (Feb 2012)
- Charlotte gets grumpy – Charlotte refuses to accept my choice of anti-virus software, and hangs up on me. (Sept 2012)
For nearly eight years, I’ve been replying to spam emails, attempting to get as many peurile contrived sexual references and scatological jokes in there as possible. Why? No idea. Just seemed like fun to wind them up. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.
- Kathy Jaunter (2006)
- Mr Wang Qin (last mail 7 April 04)
- Mr Ngoma Wise (last mail 2 April 04)
- Mr Mohammed Abacha (last mail 31 March 04)
- Mr Yetunde Obrimah (last mail 28 April 04)
Kathy Jaunther and Reverend Bruce Lawson.
“Miss Kathy”‘s emails started off from firstname.lastname@example.org with a reply-to of email@example.com.
Greetings From Miss Kathy.
It is obvious that this email will come to you as a surprise, this is because
we have not met before but i am inspired to sending you this e-mail In my
quest for you. With opportunity that will be mutual benefit to two of us,
However, I am miss Kathy Jaunther, by name and i am 29 years of age from
South Africa. I am lady with a pure heart and i am also born again christian.
I want you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture
for you to know whom i am, then i hope you will like what you see and write
me to my e.mail ?. My aim here is to meet a man that will love me and be
my husband then i will do the same thing to him and i will love him with
all my heart . I am not here for any game and i am not looking for a player
either so please if you are player dont bother to write me back but if
you are seriously looking for a serious relationship like i do then lets
make it happen . Write me to my email and i will write you back with my
beautiful picture attach to it . Thank you and i hope to hear from you
as soon as possible.
I believe we can move from here. I am waiting for your mail to my email
address above. Miss Kathy Jaunther Remeber the distance or colour does not
matter but love matters alot in life. Waiting for your email.
Yours Love Kathy Jaunther.
Rev Bruce to Kathy, 28 June 07
Hi Miss Kathy!
God be praised, your email came at a most umbidacious time. I am a
pastor of a small church, and I feel the time has come for me to take
a wife. I am looking for a girl who is under 30 (so we can have
children before too long), and who loves Jesus. There are one or two
other attributes that I am also looking for, but we can discuss that
as we prepare our wedding plans.
I am 40 years old, an English man, with a University education and a
house in a small English village, next to my Church (The Church of St
I hope your quest is now at an end!
With love from all my heart,
Reverend Bruce Lawson
Kathy to Rev Bruce, 29 June 2007
Now from email address firstname.lastname@example.org
How are you doing today? Yes dear, I am intrested in you, and am honest no head games, I know its hard to nrust one this days but u shall not regret to know who i am… i am ready to work with u spel out detaisl… then..
Dear, tell me more about your self and include pis, I see you to be a gentleman, which i like so much. I will like to know more about you, your place, likes & dis likes, you fevorite food etc.
Write back soon, Bye for now.
Rev Bruce to Kathy, 2 July 2007
My own true darling,
I am so relieved to hear that you are honest and no head games.
In your photograph you look like a beautiful angel. Do you have a
larger picture that you can send me? I wish to print it out and put it
in a frame on my bedroom wall so your charming face is the only thing
I see as I wake and fall asleep, to dream of holding you in my arms.
About me. Well, I’ve never been married. As a young man, I worked as a
merchant banker and was only focussed on work and money. Five years
ago, I realised that although I own several houses, a fleet of cars,
two yachts moored in St Tropez, I was not happy, so I joined the
Now, finally, I am ready to marry and share my love of Jesus and
financial wealth with the right woman. I hope that will be you, my
sweet lambkins. As I said, there are a few things I am interested in
from a woman, that we can discuss another time.
You asked me to “tell me more about your self and include pis”, which
I don’t understand, my darling ferret. Did you mean “include pies”? I
like pies, sometimes, although I prefer apple or blackberry over
What about you? What are you like? Do you like sweet pies, or savoury pies?
I am dreaming of our next email and the time we can share our
marriage bed – and a pie! – blessed with the love of Christ.
I am yours forever,
(please call me “Mr Squidgybum” – it can be our special name for me!)
Kathy to Rev Bruce, 4 July 2007
Hello Dear Bruce,
How are you doing today? I so happy to hear from you that you aqre ok, and doing fine, I am also happy that we have the same intrest, I have many other tings to tell you about myself.
I am Kathy by name, i am from South Africa, and live in cape town , I lost my Dad when i was in my teens, in a ghastly motor accident in johannesburg, my Mum is a missionary , and has been posted to a living faith church branch in osha Nigeria, I also have two brothers Charles and Ton, both studying here in South Africa.
I am also a chorister in the church, and i like singing, cooking,playing my piano. watching football, also helps me in relaxing from the day’s fatigue. I am honest, , sincere, devouted and a hard -working lady, as most of my friends will say, i get provoked when irritated, but still see the cause to forgive, for its really divine, am homourous, and social. Also am a fearfull lady as i get scared easily.
I personnaly, sort for matured good men, and distant serious relationship because , “i really strongly hate” the way most men here behave, (hate their Character not them) they demand sex much even before going deep with you in a relationship, they treat most ladies here very bad,i get sick with it, and am bored to the brim with their bad attitude. I decided to write you after seeing the way you people over there behave ,as i do see it when i watch our cable tv. here.
And have also heard much about you people,i really like the decency exhibited by you people over there, thats why i personally wrote you, please i really seek whom will trully show me true love, one that is honest and serious, i hate men who play head games, and will not like any one, to do that with me, also you know , love can’t be forced on any body.
I am Lovely and a comely person.
I am romantic and sexy.
I am liberal as i believe evrybody has an opinion.
I am generous , and care to give when i have.
I am not easily offended, and forgives easily for i see it as divine.
My Love is often unconditionally, as with it one never get hurts.
Here are some facts about me:
I Like sincere and honest people .
Travelling, mountain climbing are my favourite hobies.
Like listening to gospel musics.
Like open minded people, and serious people.
Like dealing with civilised people of all kind.
I really hate head game players.
People who contravene civil laws.
Insincerity and dishonesty.
I think with these you will be able to imagine the kind of person i am, like to hear from you soonest remain bleesed.
Rev Bruce to Kathy, 5 July 2007
Hello My Darling Lambkins
why don’t you call me “Squidgybum” like I asked? It can be our lover’s name!
About me: I am also: romantic and sexy, a tremulous otter, skidding playfully and naively down the muddy river bank of life. I have a calm temper and am generous. I also love sincere and honest women and gospel music. I hate head game players!
My Lambkins, you sound umbidaciously perfect as a woman and potential wife! I worry, though, that you might not love me because, as a good Christian girl, you might despise my wealth, my boats and cars and houses. Could you ever love a rich man?
Please tell me that you could!
Kathy to Rev Bruce, 7 July 07
How are you today? Thanks for your last email. I have not been able to writ you all this while coz i was sick. I am sorry i did not writ you for soime days now.. It has not been but a short time of getting to know one another and we are totally crazy about the other. I asked you if you believed in soul mates and you said that you believed that God does make a special someone from every man. Whether that man finds that someone he was created for or not, I know I was created for you.
I would walk to the ends of the earth to meet you, and yet the funny thing is, looks as if I will have to do that since we haven’t yet met. Funny how love works in people’s lives. I sure never expected to neither meet nor find someone as amazing as you. You have touched my heart in from what you said in last email to me.
Lovey!! Sometimes I want to open up to you and tell you how I feel – I guess I am too scared to open up and be real. I know you love me and you have hidden feelings inside too. It seems like it is easier for you to express yourself to me than it is from me to you.
Baby, I need to tell you that I love you and I am here waiting and when the time is right, will accept you as my husband and spend forever and eternity in your arms. Dreaming of you always … I love you.
Write back soon..
Rev Bruce to Kathy, 7 July 07
Time to introduce some troubling aspects to the character of Rev Bruce …
Oh my sweet cherub,
what a wonderful surprise! I was on the computer this morning, perfecting my sermon for this morning (and having a sneaky peek at some red hot anal sluts!) and your email appeared in my inbox, as if wafted to me by a gentle e-breeze, or the sweet and fragrant breath of an angel.
I too believe that I was created for you, and you for me. Was it not Shakespeare who said,
“Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on”
Well, Kathy, that’s how I feel and am glad you feel that way too.
But one tiny thing worries me. You sent the first email to me (which I have printed onto paper, to keep under my pillow at night, laminated so it wipes clean). My darling, if you sent the email to anyone else, I don’t mind. I am not the jealous kind (anger management courses as part of my probation terms keep jealousy away). But are you saying such sweet words to any other man, or am I your only true love?
Write to me soon, to put my mind at rest – and please, please, send me another, bigger photo.
Until we meet, I shall never look at another woman and am counting the long hours until that time.
Kathy to Rev Bruce, 9 July 2007
Having assured Rev Bruce that she could indeed love a man who was rich, Kathy moves to reassure the Rev that she’s not a player of head games and loves him alone.
How are you today? Things could not be any better than having you in my life. You are my inspiration and my shoulder to cry on, you’re the one who stands by me through everything and most of all, you make me know that I am loved. There is no one that completes me the way that you do. You mean everything to me.
There is nothing that I would not do for you and there is no one else I would want to share my life with. You are the reason I get up each morning and come to work, and you make me look at life with a new perspective. I have never met anyone as wonderful as you. I really miss you.
I am so glad to be loved by someone very special like you. I thought all along that nobody can ever make me happy and win my hardened heart until I met you. You’ve really charged my life and I thank God I am loved and cherished by someone like you. If I come back to this world again I would like to meet you again where we can share the wonderful love we’ve started. I love you so much, my love. You mean more than anything in this world to me. Thank God I found you at last. You are my everything.
At times I can’t find the words to say what I mean in person, so writing it down when I think about it, helps me get my point across. All I know is you are someone I want to spend time with, and have fun with, someone I want to get to know better.
I’m so in love; I get this warm sensual feeling every time I think of you. When I sleep at night, all I can dream about is you. I wish I could hold you in my arms. I dream of the day when I could kiss you passionately on your soft sweet lips and listen to your heart beating because it’s sweet music to my ears. All I can say is let me be the one you love; let me be the one whose love you need. Lovey please get me your photos while responding to my email.. I will be wiating for your photos this time..
I know that the future holds in store for us, one thing is never going to change; my love for you. I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I’ll love you forever.
Rev Bruce to Kathy, 9 July 2007
Oh my darling Perkynorks,
I am so glad that you reassured me that you could love me despite my vast wealth, and that you are not playing head games and love me alone.
Please, my sweet, send me another photograph of you, as big as this one that I’m sending of me. I am leading a group of my congregation as we we worship our Lord. We remove all our clothes except for our underwear, to show that all are equal in the sight of Jehovah. Except I get a big, solid gold cross as I am the Reverend, and I own the church.
Do you like my hairy stomach? Do you dream of running your fingers through that hair, and maybe plaiting my nipples? I too have a warm sensual feeling when I think of you! As I type this. I’m holding the laminated picture of you and thinking of you, my sweet darling.
Anyway, my sweet, I need to wipe off the computer screen now, so I hope you like my photo and will send me another one of you very very soon.
With all my heart my love
Kathy to Rev Bruce, 10 July 2007
Baby, i have recived your email, i am gald that you have sent me your photos, i like then, i cant wiat to have your photos again. I am here wet for you, i like your look, you make me feel wet by sedning me such photos. I cant wait till the day i will run my fingers on your chest making you fell me like never befor.
As i run my fingers, you will suck me, make me cum like never b4. I will make you cum, make you moan like never befor as you funck me. Honey, please send me your photos, i am wiating for more photos from you..
I have attached the photos you requested of, have them. i love you my babay.
Write back ASAP.
Rev Bruce to Kathy, 10 July 2007
now I see my nickname for you is so accurate!
AS Shakespeare says, “I love you like the desert needs the rain, like a carriage needs a train, like a cheesecake goes to spain. “
Or something like that! I’m too over-powered by your beauty, although I feel a little embarrassed that I’ve caused a good Christian girl to use bad words and think lewd thoughts. Can you forgive me?
When shall we marry? I can’t wait to funck you and fell you like never befor.
All my love,
Kathy to Rev Bruce 11 July 2007
Bruce My Love,
How are you today? I have had all you said, its okay, i will say i have found the way to your heart. Thanks for your sweet email to me. Squdgybum, tell me the meaning of this Squdgybum, i wnat to know its meaning. Is it a pet name or what?
In you last email you quoted Shakespeare, i am happy to here my darling talk to me in an advanced form. Thanks God i have you love, in all we have to express the way we feel honey!. I have forgiven you for what you asked for, but know that we only told our selfs how we fel as human bings, so dont fell bad about it.
Baby you asked when shall we marry? For me i will say its based on you, we have to know well, the work thing out by coming to gether. i cant wiat for that day that you will funck me [graphic pornography removed] I hope that some day i wil wake up by your side as your wife, with my fingers on your bode, i will kiss you and hold you like the baby that you are. You are my baby, my love my darling.
Honey!! Please i wnat to here your voice, can i have you numbers so i can call you on phone. I will call you i wnat to call you let me have your numbers, so i can call you. I wnat to here your sweet voice, so i can here the sweet voice of my darling Squdgybum. Get back with your numbers so i can call you and here your voice my baby.
In one of your email, you promised me that you will send me another photo, i did not get it, plz send it as promised. Dont forgat you made a promise to send me photos. I am wiating for it and your numbers so i can call you.
Write back ASAP.
Rev Bruce to Kathy
Enough filth, I think. Time to steer the conversation back and catch her out with a non-sequitur:
I too wait for the day when I can storm the gates of your furry love palace with my giant purple battering ram.
But, my love, I have been tossing and turning, unable to sleep at night with worry. You say
“I have forgiven you for what you asked for, but know that we only told our selfs how we fel as human bings, so dont fell bad about it.”
What do you mean? I have asked for nothing except your heart?
Please tell me. I had a meeting with my bank manager about getting the funds for our wedding, and I burst into tears at the thought that our love, which is like a special delicate butterfly, might be crushed under the foot of the traffic warden of misunderstanding.
Confide in me, my only true Perkynorks, what I have asked you for that upset you?
(Yes, it is a pet name. It was given to me in Wormwood Scrubs by the daddy of the Wing.)
Two mails from Kathy to Rev Bruce
Is Kathy getting confused about what she’s sending to whom? Two emails arrive, two minutes apart …
I always thought that dreams were just dreams, but you made them all come true and even better, you built new dreams with me! I can not thank you enough for being more than perfect because you showed me that even all the things that seem wrong are actually opportunities to work at them together and bring us closer together. No matter how far you are and no matter what you do, I always want you to know how much you mean to me, and how much I truly love you and how much I will always be yours forever.
I love you so much and wish I could be there to hug and kiss you all day and all night long but for now this love letter will have to be my message. but know that you are a big part of me and I think of you all the time. I love you, and I’ve loved you before I was born, because I believe I was made for you, and will be yours for all eternity.
Baby, i will say my heart is all yours. I wnat to call you on phone, can i have your numbers so i can here your voice. Baby, i am wiating for your phone numbers so i can cal you, dont for get to get it for me in addition to the photos you have promised me in the past. I am all yours baby, i will advice you to belive in what God can do for us. I know it will work.
Write back ASAP.
Your Love Kathy..
and then …
I know sometimes we fuss and fight, I know sometimes things don’t go right, I know sometimes I can frustrate you, and I know sometimes you get me mad. I know that you’re my better half, I know without you I’m incomplete, and I know that tomorrow you won’t be here with me, but Baby, you know that no matter what, you will always have a key to my heart.
We might be miles away for a while, I might not get to see you smile or hear you laugh or even watch you sleep, but Darling, you know that the true test of love is distance, for it’s said that distance brings people closer together.
Disaster! Rev Bruce to Kathy
Enough boiler-plate romantic bullshit. Let’s shake it up a bit.
Oh my darling
something terrible has happened. I went to the bank to withdraw $5000,
which I was hoping to use to surprise you by buying a beautiful ring
for our engagement.
In the bank, I bumped into my boss, the Bishop Roger de Quireboy,
whose permission I must seek to marry.
I showed him our letters and he has forbidden me to telephone or email
you further, as he was shocked when you said “As i run my fingers, you
will suck me, make me cum like never b4. I will make you cum, make you
moan like never befor as you funck me”.
I told him that you are good Christian girl, and he demands proof! I
know that you will not sleep until you have a photograph with you and
your preacher, and a letter from him confirming that Jesus does indeed
want you for a sunbeam.
I am so sorry I tempted you into lewd thoughts with that photograph of
me, my sweet Perkynorks, but you must contain your thoughts of love
until we are together in our marriage bed.
Soon, my love, soon. Just get the confirmation from your preacher and
a picture of you and him together, and we can be wed.
Mr Wang Qin and Reverend Bruce Lawson.
17 March 2004
MR. WANG QIN HANG SENG BANK LTD. DES VOEUX RD. BRANCH, CENTRAL HONG KONG, HONK KONG.
Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Wang Qin credit officer of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have a concealed business suggestion for you. Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client General. Ibrahim Moussa who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Twenty millions Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war early last year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that the General and his family had been killed during the war in bomb blast that hit their home … etc etc etc …
21 March 2004
Sounds great Wangy! I am a simple man, a reverend in a small church, but I
have recently inherited $250,000 and am looking to retire and sustain myself
in business. Tell me what to do.
God bless you and your metatarsels.
Reverend Bruce Lawson
22 March 2004
Dear Bruce Lawson,
Thank you for your response,I sincerely appreciate your interest,to assist me however I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with me,I can not afford to compromise these virtues.
Considering the money involved,it is necesary for me to be sure of the
person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction,my trust is not
given out lightly, I need to be convinced that you are a matured person with some intergrity.Furthermore, if we follow up this transaction diligently it would be completed within 5-7 working days.
What I expect from you is trust and commitment, I want this large sum
of money transfered with your assistance.
I want to know if you are willing to follow up this business seriously before I can give you more details about this transaction,I shall be waiting for your response and assurance.
23 March 2004
My Dear Wangy,
you will find I will not compromise these virtues. I am a man of the cloth, a reverend and it is my honour and delight to be the resident preacher at the Church of Saint Charlene and the Immaculate Surfboard. It is a small, humble and poor parish; we are but simple folk; I have never been further from our town of Skydmark-on-the-Gusset than the town of Gusset itself (and certainly never been to Hong Kong in Japan!).
I am a man of God. Are you? I hope so, as I would not wish to invest my large inheritance with a stinking heathen who worships not the Lord our Christ but instead gargles the very semen of Beelzebub in Satanic orgies of frottage and dressing up as naughty schoolgirls (Book of Dwayne, 5, 32-4)
May the Lord Jesus envelop you in his divine Scrumptiousness.
Reverend Bruce Lawson
24 March 2004
Thanks for the initial interest but due to the situation of things right now
in my country and the origin of the funds in question I have been advised
by my colleague who is a part of the deal to make arrangements with a correspondent
Financial institution in Europe to get the funds out of the country .
If you are okay with this arrangement I shall with the help of my colleague and legal adviser try put together the neccessary documents to make the transfer materialise to a favourable country in Western Europe.
Waiting to hear from you soonest.
25 March 2004
Wangy, old chap! Skydmark-on-the-Gusset (where I am resident pastor) is
in the county of Cotswoldshire in England, which is in Europe as surely as
Hong Kong is in Japan!!!
I am certainly OK with this arrangement. Is your legal advisor trustworthy? Remember, it is easier for a caramel to pass through the ear of a noodle than for a rich man enter the kingdom of heaven. And all lawyers are rich, in my experience!
I have replied as soon as I could; I was delivering a lesson on bell-ringing
to the Skydmark-on-the-Gusset’s Women’s Institute, and was later than I intended,
as I accidentally spilled oil on my the tip of one of the bells. There was
much mirth and fun as the ladies attempted to grasp my slippery bell-end!!!!
Let me know what to do next as soon as you can!!!!!!!!!May the Lord hug you like an angelic teddybear,
Reverend Bruce Lawson
28 March 2004
Thanks for the swift response. My suggestion at this
moment is to ask the services of a barister in Amsterdam Holland whom I got
his contact through a friend here in Taiwan [Hang on - didn't he say he was from Honk Kong?] to mediate so that there will
not be any complications of any sort in the course of this transaction. I
prefer him because though he is Dutch but of chinese background from the former
Dutch clony of Suriname. I trust and know he would be able to protect our
interest. I shall feed you in as soon as the full contact has been laid and
there after contact shall be made bettween the two of you.
Hope to hear from
29 March 2004
Wang old boy!
Certainly a dutch lawyer would be fine. I have travelled to Holland once with
my ladyfriend, Mrs Quimbush, and find it most conducive to relaxation. I too
hope to hear from you soonest as I am anxious to conclude this business -
the money will help with many urgent repairs needed in the Church of Saint
Charlene; the small alleyway running behind the vestry needs resurfacing,
and I can tell you that Mrs Quimbush is getting tired of getting covered in
slime every time I take her up the back passage!
Are you a married man, Wangy? Even though I know nothing about you, I feel like we have such a special friendship blossoming. Mrs Quimbush kisses my Wang!
May Jesus take you for a sunbeam,
1 April 2004
Thanks for the undestanding and believe in this transaction. We have been able to lay contact with the lawyer in Holland as promised and he has been told about you and the entire transactions. There is no problems at all as this will end in a not too long distant time and be crowned with sucess.
For further contact below are his contacts.
name: Phil chen Jones
All documents and legal developments shall be handled by him before the eventual transfer of the funds.
May God bless you and hope to hear from you soonest.
Hmmm.. lawyer.com is not a web mail site, but it is owned by Easylink Services Corporation
33 Knightsbridge Road
Piscataway, NJ 08854
1 April 2004
Hello Wangy and Phil!
may the Lord bless your loins and their seeds be fruitful in the belly of your women!
Please advise me on what to do next. I am most anxious to bring this arrangement to a satisfactory conclusion, as we really need the money here at the Church of St Charlene; yesterday at choir practice, the church organ broke and went horribly out of tune. You two would have wept to see the choirboys nearly choking as they tried to get their little throats around the enormous blasts from my organ. But, as the Good Book says, “To every thing there is a season” – a time for the organ to break, and a time for us to help each other make some money.
I await your response with trepidation – be assured my cassock is aquiver!
May the Lord give you all that you deserve, my friends!
5 April 2004
I am barister P.Chen jones, a barister at law and have been contacted by Mr Wang Qin and his colleagues to assist in putting in place all the legal documents and proceedure in succesfully transferring the sum of Twenty Million Five Hundred United States Dollars.It has also been made clear to me the source of the funds and that we ( that is my colleagues and I of the Jones and segers Advokaten) Amsterdam ,The Netherlands shall also be made to represent you and them in any legal situation that may arise thereafter the eventual transfer to the nominated accounts that shall be agreed upon by both parties.
You should be rest assured of our total repesentation throughout the course of this transaction. Our charges shall be charges based on the time put into the process. This is estimated at this moment to be 24 legal hours. Any change in the situation shall be made known to both parties in due course. This charges shall be paid by you in three instalments. The first shall be 25% and in the middel another 25% while the balance 50% shall be paid on the conclusion of the entire transaction.
We have begun work on this and shall hopefully conclude within the shortest possible time frame.
For further enquiries , and the mode of payment do feel free to contact me direct on phone 31-621-916-668.
we hope to hear from you soonest.
Phil Chen Jones.
5 April 2004
Phil, old chap! Or should I call you Chenny-Wenny? ROTLFMAO WTF???!??!?!!!!?
tell me what to do to get the transaction accomplished, finalised, finished
and completed, so let me know how to proceed. I apologise that I cannot telephone
to you, but my hearing was damaged when i was attacked by a trilobite while
on holiday last St Swithins Day in Narnia. I am anxious to get this all finished.
Anyhow, I must go as Mrs Quimbush is waiting for me at our local tavern, “The
Tradesman’s Entrance”. She does like a quick one up the Tradesman’s Entrance!
Do you? And if she’s buying, I hope she makes
mine a stiff one!
May the Lord protect your gentleman’s spheres from the malign staplegun of
6 April 2004
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL. WE HEREBY INFORM YOU THAT A MINIMUM OF EURO 2,500 MUST BE PAID AS INITIAL PAYMENT BEFORE FURTHER WORK TO EFFECT THE TELEGRAPHIC REMMITTANCE OF YOUR FUNDS. WE ARE SORRY THAT WE DO NOT WORK FOR CHARITY.
HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST AS WE ARE PREPARED TO SERVE YOU BETTER.
P. CHEN JONES.
7 April 2004
That’s fine Phil! Give me your address and I’ll send a cheque immediately.
Of course, being a preacher man, I *do* work for Charity, and have recently put up a most charming wooden collection box in the vestry, made by my lady friend, Mrs Quimbush in the Women’s Institute carpentry classes. Mrs Quimbush invites you to make a deposit in her box whenever you feel the urge to put your hand in your pocket!
7 April 2003
Thanks for the prompt response and we are sorry for the little delay. you are advised for the sake of time contraints to send the money by western Union money Transfer to my personal assiatant as this will enable us expedite action on your assignment. You are advised to send it to : Mr: James William Silver, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
Please endeavour to send the control no: by phone fax or email for neccessary action by the account department.
Phil. Chen Jones.
8 April 2004
Thanks for the prompt response and we are sorry for the little delay. you are advised for the sake of time contraints to send the money by western Union money Transfer to my personal assiatant as this will enable us expedite action on your assignment. You are advised to send it to :
Mr: James William Silver, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
Please endeavour to send the control no: by phone fax or email for neccessary action by the account department.
Phil. Chen Jones.
8 April 2004
Phil, old chap.
Who is James William Silver? I have written the cheque, and added a little extra for your help, but you forgot to let me know the address to send it to, you silly silly sausage!
Mr Ngoma Wise and Rev. Bruce Lawson
21 March 2004
Dear Beloved, [Beloved!! Ooh!]
Compliments of the season. Grace and peace and love from this part of
the Atlantic to you. I hope my letter does not cause you too much
embarrassment as I write to you in good faith based on the contact address
given to me by a friend who works at the Nigerian embassy in your
country. Please excuse my intrusion into your private life… etc etc
Awaiting yoir reply.
22 March 2004
My dear fellow!
Your email is like the answer to a prayer, born through the air like the flatus of an angel or some other incorporeal celestial spirit!
I am most interested! I am a simple man, a preacher in a small church, but I have recently inherited $25,000 and am looking to retire and sustain myself in business. Tell me what to do.
May Jesus protect your dingle-dangles from the talons of Mephistopheles
Reverend Bruce Lawson
23 March 2004
Dear Rev. Bruce
i have to make sure that everything go well here before giving out informations to you. I am in the ASSYLUM camp as such don’t have all priviledge like any other human, there are restriction and limit to my activity. If we can conclude this within the shortest period i will be graetful.
Here is the company detail, which you must contact for claims of the fund in a box. below:
Wessel Heijden Securities
Contact person; Mr George Anderson.
Telephone number : 00 31 630 233 984.
Note that, although this is allegedly a Dutch company, a look-up on the domain name shows who really owns it:
Registrant: Signonafrica 156, Awolowo way ikeja Lagos, Lagos 234 Nigeria Registered through: Goodoldomains Domain Name: WESSELHEIJDEN.COM Created on: 27-Feb-04 Expires on: 27-Feb-05 Last Updated on: 27-Feb-04 Administrative Contact: Okafor, Godwin email@example.com Signonafrica 156, Awolowo way ikeja Lagos, Lagos 234 Nigeria 2344723065 Fax -- Technical Contact: Okafor, Godwin firstname.lastname@example.org Signonafrica 156, Awolowo way ikeja Lagos, Lagos 234 Nigeria 2344723065 Fax --
I prayed for a god-fearing person to do this business with and
now you are a Rev. Thanks to the most
Awaiting yoir reply via my personal email which is
25 March 2004
My dear lost sheep Ngoma
I cannot call your friend at the bank; there seems to be a fault on the line
prohbiting my intercourse with Mr Anderson. I have emailed to him to ask him
to phone me, but he does not respond. What can we do? I am most eager to help,
as after a period of prayer, the Lord told me that I can trust you completely
and must follow your every wish. “Help Ngoma”, he bade me,” for he is Worthy
and True and will help thee get a fat wedge of cash to retire with Mrs Tumescent”.(Mrs
Tumescent is a most attractive widow here in my village Skydmark-on-the-Gusset,
and I hope to retire and set up as man and wife with her with my $250,000
inheritence and the proceeds of our business arrangement.) In anticipation
of the money, Mrs Tumescent and I recently went shopping for door furniture
for the Church doors. I took the old doorknob to the shop in order to get
matching colours for a new door bell but Mrs Tumescant surprised me when she
seized my old knob and coaxed me into spending my wad on a gorgeous pair of
May the Lord Jesus give you gas enough to fart in the face of Lucifer!
29 March 2004
WESSEL HEIJDEN SECURITIES
GSS AFFILIATE TO SCHIPHOL CLEARING HOUSE
Amsterdam – Nederland
NOTICE FOR RELEASE OF DEPOSITED FUNDS
ATTN: REV BRUCE LAWSON
THAT YOUR FUNDS ARE RIGHT NOW IN OUR SECURITY VAULT WAITING
FOR YOUR ARRIVAL FOR CLAIM.
THE FOLLOWING WILL BE REQUIRED FROM YOU FOR A POSSIBLE CLAIM
1] YOUR NAME AS APPEAR IN YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT.
2] FOUR COPIES OF YOUR PASSPORT PHOTOGRAPH
3] YOUR COMPANY ID CARD OR DRIVER’S LICENSE
4] ALL THIS INFORMATION WHEN RECEIVED WILL BE USED TO SECURE A BENEFICIARY
CERTIFICATE FROM THE MINISTRY OF JUSTICE.
5] IN OTHER TO SECURE THIS DOCUMENT AND PAY THE NECESSARY STAMP DUTIES, HANDLING
AND ADMINISTRATIVE CHARGES YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO COME WITH SIX THOUSAND FIVE
HUNDRED EUROS (6.500) WHICH INCLUDES THE COST OF THE BENEFICIARY CERTIFICATE
THAT WILL AUTHENTICATE YOUR CLAIM.
6] WITH THIS NOTE YOU ARE OFFICIALLY INVITED TO VISIT OUR OFFICE IN HOLLAND FOR
PROPER ENDORSEMENT OF THE DOCUMENTS THAT WILL PERMIT THE CLAIM/TRANSFER OF YOUR
FUNDS TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
7] THE NAME OF YOUR BANK WILL BE REQUIRED INCLUDING YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS WHERE
YOU WANT THE FUND TO BE TRANSFERED.
NOTE THAT YOU WILL ESTERBLISH A NEW NON-RESIDENT DOMICILIARY BANK ACCOUNT WHERE
YOU WILL LODGE IN THE FUND AS SOON YOU RECEIVE IT CASH FROM THE SECURITY VAULT,
AFTER LODGING YOU WILL THEN INSTRUCT THE INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF
THE BANK TO WIRE TRANSFER THE TOTAL FUND INSTALL MENTALLY TO YOUR NOMINATED
EXPECTING YOUR RESPONDS.
MR. GEORGE ANDERSON
OFFICE: – WESSEL HEIJDEN SECURITIES
TEL: – 00 31 630 233 984
FAX: – 00 31 645 720 636
E-mail: – email@example.com
Web-site: – www.wesselheijden.com
Interestingly, like lawyer.com above, realtyagent.com is owned by Easylink Services Corporation
33 Knightsbridge Road
Piscataway, NJ 08854
30 March 2004
God rest ye Merry, George!
I am most thankful to the Almighty for your email. I had prayed most fervently that you would respond. So you want me to bring all of these things to Amsterdam? Sounds ravishingly lovely. I have been to Amsterdam once with my good lady-friend, Mrs Vera Tumescent, where we had a lovely time in the flower markets buying blooms for the Church’s Harvest festival. Mrs Tumescent purchased many bunches of the Dutch floral symbol and made a lovely decoration around the church’s musical instrument. I can assure you that the entire congregation gasped with pleasure to see Mrs Tumescent’s tulips encircling my organ! I can send you a photograph if you like.
But I am being selfish! Mrs Tumescent suggested that I invite you here to conclude the transaction, as we have already been to Amsterdam. You could come here and we could finish our business in the calm and sanctity of the House of God. Let me know when you plan to arrive, and until then, may Jesus grant you use of the Caps Lock!
Rev. Bruce Lawson
30 March 2004 (5 minutes later)
Subject: PLEASE DON’T WASTE MY TIME
Are ready to proceed?
My dear George,
I am unsure about the header of your electronic mail “PLEASE DON’T WASTE MY TIME”. This is in your hands, my impatient old sausage! I have invited you to reside in the Vicarage and wish to know when you will be arriving. George, you will find the Church of St Charlene most comfortable and convenient. In anticipation of the money from our business transaction, I have spent 10,000 Euros of my inheritence on some bathing facilities made of precious metal. It sounds extravagant to you, no doubt, but Mrs Tumescent does enjoy her golden showers.
I do so hope that you will accept our invitation to stay in this charming Cotswoldshire village, but I will come to the Netherlands if you are unable to get time off from the bank business.
Rev Bruce Lawson
31 March 2004
My Dear Ngoma, I am most concerned about Mr Anderson. He is very rude
and unfriendly, even accusing me of wasting his time when I merely invited
him to come and stay with us at the Church of St Charlene. Is that any way
for him to talk to a man of Christ?
I have spoken to you before about my concern over his honesty. I am worried
that his rudeness in email will translate into dishonesty in buisness. It
is particularly worrying as I have just reserved a flight to Amsterdam.
Mrs Tumescent, who had actually invited Mr Anderson to visit us, was so upset
that I had to spend more money on some jewelry to cheer her up. All is not
bad news, however. We had a pottery competition for members of the congregation,
and Mrs Tumescent had moulded two water vessels and received an ovation! Several
members stood up in appreciation when she unveiled her beautiful jugs, and
I know that you’ll wish you had seen me give her a pearl necklace!
If you cannot find a more polite banker, we cannot do business together, Ngoma,
and the angels will weep.
Yours in disappointment
1 April 2004
Dear Rev. Bruce Lawson
According to your complain which i seriously took to our family lawyer, it is assume that the only business we have with Wessel Heijden Securities is to clear our box which contains fund. Negotiation is very important for the release of our fund, and should not be over emphasised.
The company has a very large organization which attends to verious case such as our, whereby creating less chance and for get together of any kind on it’s employee.
I personally will suggest for more effort and time be invest into this business, because the registry of the box is on your name as the beneficiary. Do consider that fact and as such can not be claimed by anyone. Follow the company and move out our box, then we will not anything further in common with the firm.
Act fast and careful to conclude this business within the shortest period because my stay in South Africa is getting more worse.
Expecting your urgent response.
1 April 2004
My dear Ngoma,
did not the Lord say “A man who is rude cannot be trusted, yea verily not even with a mess of pottage?”. Remember Cain, Ngoma! Remember the parable of St Zebedee and the Naughty Boy!
I am worried about using my ticket to Amsterdam and being met by Mr Anderson. If he is so rude to respond with “Don’t Waste My Time” to my humble invitation to spend a vacation with us at the Church of Charlene, who knows how he will behave when I meet with him in Amsterdam? He might not put his hands together and close his eyes when we sing “All things bright and really cool” before our meal; he might shock Mrs Tumescent by picking his nose, belching – maybe even breaking wind lustily and loudly then shouting “catch that between your teeth!”. You know what the Dutch are like.
These things are too horrid to contemplate. You must either ask him to be more polite, and treat me with the respect that a man in my position deserves, or find me another representative of Wessel Heijden Securities – you say there is a very large organisation, so find me someone else, preferably a lady. My ticket is for 4th April, so you should be jolly quick old boy.
Meanwhile, life here is interesting. A period of heavy rain has caused flooding
in the crypt below the Church of Charlene. Our Bishop, Right Reverend Roger
de Quirebuoy, bought an electric pump, but we were most concerned about it
getting wet and causing an electrical fire. Fortunately, Mrs Tumescent had
a small waterproof tent which she pitched next to it – and I wish you could
have been there to see Mrs Tumescent open up her flaps to accomodate the bishop’s
powerful pump. Ingenuity, my dear little sheep Ngoma!
May the Lord protect thee!
1 April 2004 (2 minutes later)
Dear Rev.Bruce Lawson
I want you to know that, even the devil knowing fully well that christ is the true son of God also came to tempt him.
the firm and it’s employee will want to do the same but we are winners.
1 April 2004
Ngoma old chap, have you even read my mail? Your response was very quick.
While I am most impressed by the quality of your Biblical exegesis, I request that you address the points I raise!
2 April 2004
[Ngoma is getting desperate now .. he just phoned my pay-as-you-go cellphone
from a landline in Amsterdam, number (31) 20 770 7134, urging
me to forget Mr Anderson's rudeness, as he will meet me personally at the
airport. That's a relief, then ...]
My dear Ngoma,
how charming to hear your voice and your reassurances that it will be you and not stinky George meeting me at the airport have calmed my nerves. Unfortunatley, I have been unable to purchase a ticket to Amsterdam in the Netherlands, they only had flights to Amsterdam in Holland – and I’m not such an idiot as to buy a ticket to the wrong place! So I have reserved a ticket to Maastricht, and you can meet me there.
I must rush now; as I told you earlier on the telephone, I will officiate at a funeral today – and it’s always sad, but today was a good friend Betty Swallocks, who was tragically savaged by a mammoth while on holiday in Atlantis. We have to go and view her lying in the coffin now, and although Mrs Tumescent is currently dry-eyed, I know she’ll be moistening as all the men stand up at the sight of Betty’s box.
Before I let you know when I shall be arriving in Maastricht, can you advise me of one thing: should I bring Mrs Tumescent with me when I meet you, or not?
Ngoma! Life is brief – fill your time pulling a moonie at Satan,
Mr Mohammed Abacha and Rev Bruce
24 March 2004
I am Mohammed Abacha, the eldest son of the late
president of Nigeria,
I was falsely accused of murder and as such was
imprisoned, but thanks
to Allah, I have been released for my innocence.
Well dear friend i need your assistance in
transferring some of my money into your
Account, because the government is making plans to
seize them, as they did to my fathers own. Please view
this site and read it‘s content carefully,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/africa/newsid_741000/741506.stm etc etc …
25 March 2004
May the Lord shine his radiant light on thee, my dear Mohammed, whether thou dost calleth him “allah” or “Jehovah” or even “Uncle Terry”.
I shall be most delighted to assist thee, my dear poor wronged friend. I have prayed to the Most High and he has bidden me to assist you in all ways and do whatever you tell me to do. How can I help?
Church of St Charlene
31 March 2004
DEAR BRUCE LAWSON THATNKS FOR YOUR PROMPT REPLY TO MY EMAIL AND YOUR DECISION
TO ASSIST ME
HOWEVER WHAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU NOW IS YOUR FULL NAMES AND ADDRESS,YOUR CONTACT
TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR EASY COMMUNICATION AND A SCAN EMAIL ATTACHMENT
OF YOUR DRIVER’S LICENCE OR YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT AS SOON AS I RECEIVETHE
ABOVE INFORMATION I WILL SECURE A POWER OF ARTTORNY WHICH I WILL SEND TO YOU
TO ENABLE YOU COLLECT THE FUND UN MY BEHALF FOR OUR MUTUAL BENEFIT AND NAME
OF THE SECURITY AND IT LOCATION WILL BE MADE KNOWN TO YOU AND YOUR PARTICULARS
WILL BE FORWARDED TO THEM TO ENABLE THEM CONTACT YOU TO COME AND YOUR PARTTICULARS
WILL SERVE AS A REFERNCE AND TO GUIDE AGAINST THE WRONG PERSON CLAIMING THE
AND IN ADDITION I WILL ALSO LIKE TO CHARGE YOU WITH THE RESPONSILITY OF PROVIDING
AN INVESTMENT BLUE PRINT FOR MY OWN SHARE I.E I WILL EARNEST REQUIRE YOU ADVISE
ON VIABLE AREA WHERE MY OWN SHARE WILL BE INVESTED IN YOU COUNTRY
AND FINALY I WILL LIKE YOU TO ACT SWIFTLY TO ENABLE US HAVE IMMEDITAE CONCLUSION
OF THIS TRANSACTION
31 March 2004
Greetings to thee, sturdy-loined Mohammed!
mostly people call me Reverend, as I am a preacher.
> THATNKS FOR YOUR PROMPT REPLY TO MY EMAIL AND YOUR DECISION TO ASSIST ME
> HOWEVER WHAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU NOW IS YOUR FULL NAMES
Reverend Bruce Ulysses Lawson,
Church of St Charlene and the Immaculate Diaphragm
> AND ADDRESS,YOUR CONTACT TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER
You cannot telephone me, as I sadly damaged my hearing. The chairwoman of the Townswoman’s Guild telephoned me while I was ironing my cassock, and I picked up the iron by mistake and set fire to my ears. We have no fax lines in Skydmark-on-the-Gusset, so it is better that you email me.
> FOR EASY COMMUNICATION AND A SCAN EMAIL ATTACHMENT OF YOUR DRIVER’S LICENCE OR YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT
I will do this, of course, but my passport application is in the post and will not be received by me for one more week, Mohammed. To show that we can trust each other, please email me an attachement of your identification, too, my good friend.
> AND IN ADDITION I WILL ALSO LIKE TO CHARGE YOU WITH THE RESPONSILITY OF PROVIDING AN INVESTMENT BLUE PRINT FOR MY OWN SHARE I.E I WILL EARNEST REQUIRE YOU ADVISE ON VIABLE AREA WHERE MY OWN SHARE WILL BE INVESTED IN YOU COUNTRY
I will be delighted to. here are some tips that the General Synod of the Church use for investing:
1) roof restoration – St Charlene’s needs several square furlongs of new lead. Investing will entitle you to free entry to the Sydmark-on-the-Gusset annual Harvest festival and evensong.
2) the Skydmark home for retired pit ponies
3) the cat’s protection league
4) Netscape Communications Ltd, an up-and-coming competitor to Microsoft, based in the nearby town of Gusset-on-the-rise
> AND FINALY I WILL LIKE YOU TO ACT SWIFTLY TO ENABLE US HAVE IMMEDITAE CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION
you have my word, Mohammed, just send me your details so I know we can trust each other. I must run now, as I’m going round to my good friend Mrs Quimbush ‘s house for some armchair ornithology,as there are a couple of songbirds nesting just outside her window. I’m so looking forward to Mrs Quimbush pulling open her curtains while I admire a pair of Great Tits!
May the lord protect your manly orbs from the flaming trident of Beelzebub!
Reverend Bruce Lawson
Rev Bruce and Mr Yetunde Obrimah
26 April 2004
I am Yetunde Obrimah, Bank Manager of Standard Chartered Bank lagos branch. I apologize for using this medium to reach
you for a transaction/business of this magnitude, but this is
due to confidentiality and prompt access reposed on this medium … After a month, we sent a
reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers,
the Ministry of Energy and Natural resources that Mr. Antoine
Blanc died from a fatal plane crash. On further
investigation, I found out that he died without making a Will,
and all attempts to trace his next of kin was futile … blah blah blah
For: Standard Chartered Bank.
Yetunde Obrimah, Manager.
My Dear yetunde
Were you a very close friend of Antoine? you must be very sad, but you will
meet him again in heaven, of that I am certain.
Anyway, your proposal sounds very interesting! Please tell me what I should
do. I am a simple preacher in the UK, and have recently inherited $20,000
which is not enough to retire on so I am looking to earn enough money to renovate
my church and then retire.
Reverend Bruce Lawson
27 April 2004
OUR NEEDS FOR GUARANTEE: The information
we need from you to assure us the guarantee of safe delivery for our share
is as follows:
1. Can you help to open Bank Account where our own share can
be deposited for us?
2. What is your country’s Tax law and requirement on
our own share.
3. Can we invest in Real Estate in your Country with our own
4. What are the requirements needed from us to establish a Bank Account
and also to establish Business Investments?
5. How and where shall we meet
you before or during and after the transfer?
6. Are you able to protect our
identities and keep this business secret and confidential?
7.Your full name,contact
address and phone/fax numbers respectively?
Please reply urgently to confirm the receipt of this letter.
Hi Yetunde. thanks for getting back to me! jesus is smiling on us indeed!
"OUR NEEDS FOR GUARANTEE: The information we need from
you to assure us the guarantee of safe delivery for our share is as follows:
1. Can you help to open Bank Account where our own share can be deposited
"2. What is your country’s Tax law and requirement on our
I must pay 25%, but no matter
"3. Can we invest in Real Estate in your Country with our
of course; there is some nice land behind my church. You need to go up
a small lane behind the vicarage, but your photo suggests that you don’t mind
going up the back passage.
"What are the requirements needed from us to establish
a Bank Account and also to establish Business Investments?"
no special requirements
"5. How and where shall we meet you before or during and
after the transfer?"
well, you can visit me in my church, or I can come to you – but I fear your
country may be a little hot for me! Whenever I go to a warm place on holiday,
like Malaysia or Scunthorpe, my lady friend, Mrs Pudenda, tells me that I sweat
a lot – when she’s wearing her bikini she tells me that she can see me dripping
in my shorts!
"6. Are you able to protect our identities and keep this
business secret and confidential?"
Shhhhh! don’t tell anyone. Ha ha ha ha ha! just my little joke! Of course I can. Are you?
"7.Your full name,contact address and phone/fax numbers
Reverend Tobias Bruce Lawson
St Charlene and the Immaculate Diaphragm
28 April 2004
The God who has started this good works in ourlives shall complete it till the end of time.
Thank you for our detailed answers to my questions,as it is i really your willingness to work with me,considering your knid of person,A MAN OF GOD,who will pray for the successful conclusion of this transaction.
I will like you to furnish me with a your personal phone number,to enable me communicate with you verbal,which is very important in this transaction,or you try as much as you can today to call me on my direct mobile: 234 1 4823180.
With this detailes,i will like you to get intouch with the letter of introduction to the lawyer whom will represent you here in Nigeria,to obtain and submit all the approval documents to the bank,and also that of the Bank Letter of Claim of the fund($25musd). With this contacts,now we can proceed,as i will you to prepare the letter of claim and introduction,as next of kin to LATE MR.BLANC and SOLE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND($25MUSD),just simple line,then you forward it to me for confirmation,before you send it to the bank and the lawyer.
Reverend,concerning my country Nigeria,it is not as bad as people think and hear on the media,ok.All you have to bear in mind is that there are the bad once among the good,who has brought all this shame to my humble country. ….. We are going to incure some expenses in the cause of this transaction,which we are going to contribute to finance this transaction to a success end,which will be taken care of immediately this transaction is concluded.
Attached with this mail is a copy of the certificate of deposit of the fund,as it is attached in his(Late.Mr.Blanc) file with the files/record department of the bank.This is for documenataions and presentatiopn in the cause of this transaction.
Note:Send me a copy of your picture to enable me know whom my partner is in this mutual transaction of our’s.
"The God who has started this good works in ourlives shall
complete it till the end of time."
Amen, my brother! You sound like a deeply spiritual person, and I know
will be honest and kind. Hallelujah!
"I will like you to furnish me with a your personal phone
number,to enable me communicate with you verbal,which is very important in
this transaction,or you try as much as you can today to call me on my direct
mobile: 234 1 4823180."
Alas, my good friend, I cannot use a telephone, as I am a religious man
and our Church forbids the use of the telephone. Computers are fine, but we
believe that the bible says that only God the most High, the Angels and He
Who Cannot Be Named But He Has A Nasty Green Tail And Flaming Red Horns And
Is Really Very Very Naughty (you know who I mean, I dare not speak his name)
can make their voices carry across the world. So, you see, we do not want
to use the telephone out of respect for The Lord and out of fear of He Who
Cannot Be Named But he Has A Nasty Green Tail and a Giant Priapic Nookie-Wand
of Doom. I am sure you will understand, as you are a Christian man.
About the letters to write to the bank and the lawyer: I do not know the correct
ways of greeting etc which are customary in your country. In my Church, we
greet each other “Hallelujah! Oh praise the almighty and keep you safe from
He Who Cannot Be Named But Is Really Really Stinky and Bad” and we say farewell
“AMEN to you my brother/sister/ other (delete as appropriate) which art garlanded
in light and loveliness like a beautiful gauze or a chicken wrapped in cobwebs”.
(I don’t know why – it’s traditional). Would those be appropriate for business
letters in your country? Please advise me, Yetunde.
"Attached with this mail is a copy of the certificate of
deposit of the fund,as it is attached in his(Late.Mr.Blanc) file with the
files/record department of the bank.This is for documenataions and presentatiopn
in the cause of this transaction."
Sadly, my friend, it was not attached.About the expenses – you’ve probably forgotten, but I’ve inherited some money – not enough to retire on – so am willing to invest it in our arrangement!
"Note:Send me a copy of your picture to enable me know
whom my partner is in this mutual transaction of our’s."
I shall do so on the 1st May; in my church we are forbidden to use cameras
in the month of April because our Lord had no opportunity to utilise photographic
equipment, so neither should we.
I am delighted to have made your aquaintance, Yetunde! May Jesus kiss you
and keep you out of sight of He Who Cannot Be Named But If He Cooked You Dinner
You’d be Frightened To Eat It.
29 April 2004
Die. do not reply mi again