Archive for March, 2008

Twap!

I coined a new word today while doing an Introduction to HTML talk for a newbie at work. That word is twap.

Rather than simply define it, let me give you a couple of examples of it in use.

Marketing manager:

Bruce, in the printed brochure, all the headings are underlined, but on the website you’ve missed out the underlines. Can you fix it urgently?

Me:

Twap!

or

Big Boss:

I checked the website at the weekend from my brother’s Mac, running IE5.2, and noticed that the image at the bottom of the sidebar was shifted left by two pixels! I want a full report.

Poor put-upon you:

Twap!

It’s such a great word, because it has all the monosyllabic satisfaction of yelling “Twat!” and all the conversation-terminating venom of barking “Crap!” with none of the career-damaging rudeness. In fact, the person hearing the word should leave you feeling reassured and educated, as “Twap” is, of course, an acronym for the phrase “The Web Ain’t Print”.

Have you twapped anyone today?

Communal showers

I’m new to the world of communal showers, because for years I managed to avoid P.E. at school by presenting a forged note from my mum and then slipping over the fence to the local greasy spoon café to play Asteroids and smoke.

But now I’m a member of a gym, and so I find myself regularly in a shower, in the nude, with other men. I often work out with my mate Matt, and have absolutely no inhibitions about being naked in front of a friend of 27 years. Equally, I have no shyness about nakedness in front of a group of complete strangers.

But occasionally there are people from work in the changing rooms. They’re perfectly pleasant chaps who I’ll say a cheery hello to at the coffee machine, but I find myself unexpectedly ill-at-ease being in the buff in front of them.

Legions of grateful ladies will attest to the fact the dimensions of the Bruce Juice Introducer® are nothing to be bashful about, so I find it odd that I should feel this way.

Are you comfortable getting your bits out in the presence of co-workers? Does my discomfort reveal deep psychological trauma—or, even worse, issues? Do tell.

Microsoft obeys me

So, Microsoft were going to destroy the web. Nothing could stop it. So I wrote a mighty article opposing the plan, and now everything is alright:

In light of the Interoperability Principles, as well as feedback from the community, we’re choosing differently. Now, IE8 will show pages requesting “Standards” mode in IE8’s Standards mode. Developers who want their pages shown using IE8’s “IE7 Standards mode” will need to request that explicitly.

Good news, and it shows that Microsoft is my bitch.

Now, Mr Gates; look into my eyes. You are feeling sleepy. Paypal £1billion to Bruce Lawson…