Bruce Lawson’s personal site

Reality check: it’s just a fucking phone

I haven’t done it in a long time. I’ve held it in. I’ve got a gold star on the chart on my anger management therapist’s wall. But it’s time for a rant! GrrrrrRRRRRRRRRAGGHGH!

I’d quite like an iPhone. I think it’s a nice piece of kit, although the beauty is in the user interface rather than the features. I mean, 2 meg camera with no video? Only 16 Gig of music? Can’t take the battery out? No bluetooth headphones as standard? Lock-in to one carrier? How much?!?!

But what really gets on my moobs is the way that otherwise sensible people get all moist around the gusset about it, standing in line for hours to buy one, and then racing home to fetishise it. Independently-minded people, whose opinion I respect about any other subject, switch off their bullshit-filters and make twitter even more banal than usual with their excited Beatlemaniac squeals and prepubescent worship-squeaks to the monopolists in black polo-necks.

It’s beautifully designed. It’s brilliantly marketed: you are being manipulated and you know you are and you’re still pathetically grateful for it. But it will not give your mouth sex appeal; it will not make you look five pounds thinner. Because it’s just a fucking phone.

This is tongue in cheek. I’m not insulting you personally. This is not my employer talking.

11 Responses to “ Reality check: it’s just a fucking phone ”

Comment by Kim

Amen. I am amazed at the number of respected writers who have lost their sense of reality over a mobile phone. And what happens to all the old iphones that are being replaced? Perhaps they can donate them to a charity that can ship them to Dafur and the starving children can play with them while they wait for someone to help stop the massacre around them.

Comment by Shez

Think you hit the nail on the head there Bruce, Apple evangelist though I am. But there’s no way I’m paying those prices for a fucking mobile phone. However, that user interface is fantastic and that’s the key to whole shebangle – and I guess that’s what the hype is about. As for a 2 meg camera, who cares? – I use my digital camera for taking photos (although it is a bit stingy of Apple).

Comment by Todd

If I hear, read or see any more about that infernal piece of tin, I will go nuts. If I see anyone with one, they will watch in horror as I toss it into the river, shortly thereafter followed by the owner.

I already had one teenage girl almost slam into me with her car while she was Facebooking it on Safari… I could actually see the fucking browser open, she was that close.

Comment by T Swan

The only thing more annoying that people going on and on about the iPhone is people who whine about people going on and on about the iPhone. Sorry, but it just had to be said.

Comment by Richard

Similar story for me: I’d quite like one, but:
i) the contract is a rip-off;
ii) the phone itself is overpriced (IMO)
iii) I’ve seen the state of my old phone, and the iPhone will not leave long enough to justify its cost. Previous phones have died falling in to pints, falling down stairs and from old age: I can’t give the iPhone a good home 😉

Nonetheless, beautifully designed, as you said.

Comment by Tjobbe Andrews

As a phone it’s rubbish. As an iPod/ web browser / portable email client it’s great.

I would buy an ipod touch if it had built in 3g, but it doesn’t. So I won’t. So there.

Comment by kl

It sucks just because you can’t get Opera on it 😛

And it’s just a fuckin phone compared to just fuckin disaster phones. Blackberry programming turned me Emo (this crap has progressbar for executing javascript!!!)

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