There’s no delicate way to say this, so I won’t try. I was having a shower, and washing the Bruce Juice Introducer™ when I discovered a hitherto unnoticed lump on my left testicle. As both my nephew and an old friend of mine have had surgery for testicular cancer, I didn’t hesitate, and phoned the doctor.
As usual, the receptionist asked what the appointment was for; I said I’d found a bollump and was given an appointment within 3 hours. My doctor thoughtfully rolled Lefty between her finger and thumb and said, “hmmm, we’ll get you a scan”. A week later, I was lying, naked from the waist down, on a table in a state of some anxiety for an ultrasound scan. I expected it to be uncomfortable – I’ve seen how hard they seem to press when scanning pregnant women. But it didn’t hurt at all; the operator maintained a constant pressure but there was none of the pain associated with any kind of pressure on the testicles.
It turned out just to be a cyst, and not cancer at all, so I apologised to the operator. “Nonsense”, she said. “Much better to spend 15 minutes here than ignore the lump. Too many men have a testicle removed – or die – because they’ve been too shy to visit the doctor early.”
And she was right. So, Gentlemen, remember this little rhyme: “If you find a lump / on your balls or your cock / don’t be a chump: / go and visit your Doc.” (And if the NHS wishes to use this rhyme and maybe turn it into a catchy jingle, for a public health advertising campaign, they can have it for free.)