My attention was drawn to a product called “mahabis”, and now the world seems ever so slightly but irrevocably a sadder place. It’s some kind of slipper for hipsters (so why are they not called “Slipsters”?) with a website full of moody stock photography models and portentous bullshit text. For example, they are not merely selling overpriced lesiure shoes —oh, no!— they are “reinventing the traditional slipper” so that wearing them becomes an “everyday adventure” of “finding perfection in the mundane”. This is not copywriting. This is copy-shite-ing.
In their Frequently Asked Questions (how frequently, by whom?) they claim to be “based out of london. our product is quintessentially british.” No it bloody isn’t, or you’d say “we’re based *in* London”. Sod off. And “tell me more about the company” isn’t a bloody question. It’s an imperative that no human being ever says. Except for Venture Capitalists, bank managers and financial journalists — and they are not human.
Dear Copywriter: sentences and proper nouns (like “London”) need to start with capital letters. Basic English punctuation is what I call “quintessentially British”. And tiny light-grey text on a white background is SHIT.
Mahabis are apparently the “essence of chill”. Bullshit. Essence of chill, literally, is chlorofluorocarbons or other regrigerants. Or beer.
Like every pompous brand bereft of ideas, “all our products are simple, functional, but strive for a simple universal aesthetic. endless reduction till we find something that no longer needs the complexity of explanation”. If they don’t need explaining, why is there a page of instructions on how to out them on? With bloody diagrams. How hard is putting on some shoes?
And how much does a pair of Slipsters cost? £89! They also sell candles and stupid notebooks, which tells you all you need to know.
Abolish the internet now.